Hellsing: Extream MeOver
by Random Romantasist 999
Summary: What happens when a strange,crazy, little fan girl transports herself to the world of Hellsing? That's what happens to our "lovable" friend Irene. In other words, how will hellsing get royally screwed when I pop up? CRACK, not to be taken seriously.
1. Meeting the Crazy Child

**Don't ask why, cuz, I really don't know. I had a dream about this once a time ago, and there are lot's of Hellsing OC, this one just happens to be me. Oh, come on! I know you all want to see how Alucard reacts to fan girls! *(silence)* Oh bugger. As you know, I don't own Hellsing, and my parents own Irene (aka ME) as I'm still stuck under their roof. ON WITH THE STORY!!!!**

_Alucard mental speak and thoughts_

'Seras mental speak and thoughts'

**Irene mental speak.**

**She doesn't need a thoughts option because she never thinks. Only speaks. And mental talks.**

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Seras sighed, Alucard would be coming home soon. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy her Master's presence, it was that on the off chance she _did _see him, he always, _always, _scolded her for not drinking her blood. _Police Girl, get up here __**now**_ Alucard's voice demanded in her head. Seras stood cocking her head in confusion. For some reason her Master had sounded slightly desperate. Shaking her head and telling herself she was imagining things, Seras trotted up the stairs to where Alucard was waiting.

She saw why he sounded so desperate.

Attached to his leg was a teenaged girl. And for some reason, she looked like an overly plump, yet adorable, eight-year-old. She had short black hair - slightly spiky, but not much - and wide, bright, shining, electric blue eyes

"Um…," Seras said uncomfortably. "Why is there…?"

"I don't know alright?" he snapped. "I was doing my normal duties when-"

"HA! You said doody!" the odd girl crowed, never letting go of Alucard's leg.

"She's completely bonkers," Alucard growled.

"Why, thank you! And I know for a fact that you're not all there either."

"As I was saying, I was out doing my-" he glared at his 'companion' "_job_ when this thing-"

"I am a GIRL, thank you, kindly."

"_She_ ran up to me and started blabbering about how her experiment worked, and how she was going to change the course of a manga on her own."

"I am!" the girl stated proudly. "This manga, in fact."

Seras looked at her disbelievingly. "Um, I think you're mistaken. I've read several mangas, and this most definitely isn't one. It's too gory."

The girl brushed her off. "Oh posh, there are plenty of gory mangas. You've probably only read the sweet happy ones made for kids."

Seras blushed. "Nu-uh! I've read plenty of others."

The Girl rolled her eyes. "What? Vampire romance? Do you read the steamy ones?" she teased. Seras blushed brighter and shook her head.

"Anyways," Alucard said, slightly freaked out at how perverted this conversation had gone, and so quickly. _**Get used to it! **_The Girl sing-songed in his head. **I'm a perv, that's just how I roll. **Alucard scowled_ Get out of my head, you don't belong there!_ **Oh, shut up. You do the same thing to poor Seras. **_How did you even get in my head anyways? _She cackled silently. **I'm the author, silly goose. I can do anything I want! **Alucard shook his head to clear it of the pest's thoughts and began his story again. "I aimed my gun at her and told her to go away, and she just spazed and started telling me to shoot her in the chest, and turn her into a vampire too, so she could be your partner in blood sucking as-"

"SMEXY WRITER CHICK!" The Girl cheered, still attached to Alucard's leg.

"Smexy Writer Chick?" Seras asked, slightly scared.

"Ya, know, like you're Police Girl? I was going to just be Writer chick, but I think the smexy works, don't you?" She did her best to show off, but it was terribly difficult, considering she still looked like a fat kid, and she still clung to Alucard's leg, which restricted her movement.

"I refuse to call her that," Alucard deadpanned.

"Fine, you can call me Irene."

But that's a German name," Seras said. "You're clearly an American."

The Girl laughed. "Oh, I have a very Armarieken name."

"Then what is it?"

Again The Girl laughed. "There are at least a hundred people reading this! Do you really think I'm stupid enough to give any of those potential stalkers my name? Gosh, my dad's probably gonna flail me for giving out my description and age range!"

Seras sweat dropped. "Um… OK?"

The Girl, Irene, beamed. "Good, then we're all on the same page!"

"Master still didn't explain how you got here."

"Oh that's easy! I used my amazing fan-girl grip and attacked him when he went to leave. Now I'll never let go will I my wittle Alu-chan? No I won't!" At the last part she began to nuzzle Alucard's knee, thoroughly freaking out the king of the un-dead. Suddenly, the door creaked open.

"Alucard, Miss Victoria I have your-"

"WALTER!!!" Irene squealed as she threw herself at the aging butler.

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**Wow people made it all the way here? My, my, my. ^-^ Just so you know, Irene's description is based off a chibi drawing my friend did of me. You decide what's real, and what's her imagination. Oh, and I don't think you guys are stalkers, but my dad seems to think that if you get on the internet, then you're going to hunt me down and rape me. Please don't do that, it's rude. As always, I need you to… REVIEW!!!! I'll accept flames on this story, because it's so stupid. Oh, and I'll only get to update every now and then, like when I hit a writer's block, because my other four uncompleted stories are more important, and I use my plot bunnies for them. All I have to do for this one is watch an episode of Hellsing, and insert myself and TADA! New chapter!! Alright, buy you guys, and don't forget to review! Feed this starving author!**

**MOM~ You're not starving. It's dinner time, now get up.**

**Irene~ -.- Grrr…**


	2. Problems With Blood and a Shouting Match

**Hi again! ^-^ As you can tell, I'm suffering from massive writer's block, and this is easy and fun to write, so yea… I still don't own Hellsing, and since I got to baby sit, I got to sort of own Irene while I was writing. ON WITH THE STORY!!!!**

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Some how or another Irene had managed to tackle Walter in a flying hug -a glomp as she put it- and sent the both of them soaring into the next room.

"Walter!" Seras cried out in worry, darting to the whole Irene had made in the wall. "How did she do this?"

"I told you already, I'm the author, I can do ANYTHING! Cue thunderclap!" Irene shouted from where she was sitting, on Walter's chest. Outside thunder rolled. Irene scowled. "I said thunder_clap! _Not thunder roll!" Outside thunder clapped. "Thank you, kindly."

"Um, Miss Victoria, could you please tell me who this is?" Walter wheezed.

"I'm Irene, aka your biggest fan!" Irene beamed. "Well, maybe not _your _biggest, but I'm your Dental Floss of Doom's biggest fan."

"Could you please get off of me Miss Irene?"

Irene looked down at the aging butler who was steadily turning blue. "Fine, but you have to stay right there. If you try to run, God help me, I will sic every fan girl I know on you, and trust me, if I'm the frying pan all those crazies are the fire. With me you only have to deal with one."

"Deal! Deal, OK!" Walter gasped a breath of much needed oxygen when Irene beamed even brighter and hopped off. Shakily, Walter picked himself up. "As I was trying to say earlier, Master Alucard, Miss Victoria, I have your dinner ready." At this Alucard grinned wider, and seemed about ready to clap his hands and skip around. This worried everyone but Irene. "Alucard, since when did you get this excited over _medical_ blood?" Walter asked.

"I don't know!" Alucard beamed. Well, as close to a beam as he could. Which meant he was just baring his teeth more than usual. "I don't even _like _medical blood all that much! Please help me!" At this Irene burst out laughing. "It was you!" Alucard giggled, actually _giggled_. "What ever you're doing _STOP!" _Alucard managed to growl out the last word, but it didn't have nearly the intimidation level it usually did when coupled with giggles. Seras stood off to the side her fist in her mouth, desperately trying not to let out the merest chuckle. Alucard saw. "And what do you have to say about this Police Girl?" he snarled. Unable to disobey a direct order Seras removed her fist and opened her mouth to speak. Unfortunately, we don't know what witty comment I'm sure she would have sniped off because as soon as she wasn't hindered by anything, she burst out into insane giggles and several snorts.

"I-I-I'm sorry, Ma-a-a-ha-ha-aster," she gasped between giggles. Alucard raised his hand as if her was about to strike her -which he would have done to anyone else- but with a scowl he lowered it. Still scowling Alucard went forward and snatched his meal from a highly amused Walter, turned and walked out of the room dramatically. "Wait, Master!" Seras called trotting after him.

"Hmm. It would seem Miss Victoria forgot her blood package," Walter commented lightly, looking down at the still full silver trey in his hands.

"You mean she 'forgot' it," Irene scowled. Walter had no idea why this girl took such offence at Seras's now normal antics.

"Miss Irene, why does it bother you so much?

"She's so stupid! She freaking chose to be a vampire, and now she won't do any of the stuff that goes with it! I bet she doesn't even sleep in a coffin. As a matter of fact, I _know_ she doesn't!" she stormed. "God, what a moron! I'll take her the blood." She grabbed the blood pack, and stamped out of the room muttering wildly.

Walter cocked his head to the side, and followed Irene at what he dubbed to be a safe distance away. In other words, about twenty meters. Seras's terrified scream, Alucard's growling shout, and a new demented cackle quickly caused the retainer to quicken his pace to a most un-gentlemanly dash. He opened the door to Seras's room where the ruckus was coming from, and what he saw made him want to quietly close the door and go back to what he normally did and forget he had ever seen it; however, his grandfatherly affection for Seras stopped him from doing it.

Alucard was tied up in the corner with what appeared to be dental floss, and Irene was chasing Seras around wielding the blood pack.

"You _will_ eat this young lady!" Irene shouted.

"NO! MASTER, HELP!" Seras shouted.

Alucard merely shouted obscenities.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!?" Walter shouted.

"WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING?" a new voice shouted from the top of the stairs.

Everyone looked up.

"Oh, great," Irene muttered. "It's the Queen Bitch herself."

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**I think my readers are allergic to giving flames. I put out this silly thing, said it was OK to flame, and still nothing! I'm still open to flames, because I, unlike my poor plot bunnies, am not allergic to fire, and I can handle it! *(cue thunderclap)* Anyways, as always review! Oh, I have so many surprises in store for you guys!**


	3. Rules

**This is going to be fun! I noticed that there weren't many of these things under Hellsing, so I did the logical thing. I turned off logic and made this. I have the basic rules that are common for these things (Don't touch the hat, guns, or any thing else potentially dangerous) but I think the rest of them are rather original. At least I hope. This chapter had a plot bunnie, his name is Walter, he tells me what to do a lot. I don't own Hellsing sillies!**

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_**RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR MISS IRENE VAN HALEN WHILE SHE IS IN THE HELLSING MANOR**_

1) I may not wear Alucard's hat, glasses and trench coat and parade around

-I may not touch Alucard's hat glasses or trench coat

-No one cares how "pretty" they make me feel

-I may not parade around

2) I may not squeal and pretend to faint when Alucard walks into the room

-Or Walter

-Or Schrödinger

-Or Young Walter

-Or Pip

-Or ANYONE

3) I may not "glomp" any of the aforementioned people

-EVER

4) I may not demand Alucard read my mind every five minutes then scowl and tell him to get out of my head when he does

5) I am not Alucard and Seras's "long lost childe" and even if I was that wouldn't make me a "No-Life-Princess"

6) I may not hide Seras's blood to amuse myself

-The same applies to Alucard

7) No, I may not have a puppy

8) Or a kitten

9) Biting is rude and nasty, unless you're a vampire (which I'm _not_), and the residents of the manor would greatly appreciate it if I would stop.

-No, I'm not rabid

-Yes, that means Zach lied to me

10) I may not follow Alucard around doing a bad Dracula impression

-I may not follow Alucard around

-I may not do _any _impressions of Dracula

11) I am not a "child of the night" and no matter how many times I slink around in a cape saying "I vant to suck your blood!" I'll never become one, unless Alucard or Seras turns me.

-I may not be extra annoying to try and make either one of them turn me

12) I may not wear fake cat ears and a tail, and make Alucard phase me from place to place claiming I'm "Everyvhere und novhere"

13) While there is no thirteenth story of Hellsing, that is not proof a lady named Miss Zarves lives there.

9) I may not force Seras into a make over with the excuse "Her complexion was just so _pale!"_

10) If it makes me giggle for 15 seconds, it is assumed it is not allowed

-If it makes Alucard giggle for 15 seconds, we must both report to Walter along with the object of our amusement to have everything sorted out.

-If it makes Seras giggle for 15 seconds, it is not allowed because it is most likely a live, furry animal

11) I may not try to floss with Walter's "Dental Floss of Doom" because I will undoubtedly hurt myself, or someone/thing else

-No one cares how I feel about dental hygiene

12) Baskerville is a demonic Hellhound, not a tiny fluffy puppy I can teach to sit on command

13) The tomato soup Walter sometimes serves for lunch is not blood, and he would like it if I would quit insulting his cooking by insinuating it is

14) I am only allowed to stay at Hellsing because I'm Walter's assistant, therefore, I may not look at him with tears in my eyes and say "You're mean" when he gives me a chore to do

15) I am not a vampire therefore I don't have a familiar, and "concentrating on getting it to come out" will not do anything other than make me look constipated.

16) I may not say "Aww" and make a heart around Alucard and Seras when they so much as stand in the same room as each other

17) I may not follow Seras around reading SerasxAlucard smut, and laugh when she passes out from all the blood rushing to her head from her "insane" blush

-No one cares how funny I think it is

18) Seras's familiar is not a fluffy kitten

19) Ariku-chan* is not to be given free rein of anything what so ever, not even my mind

-Nor Genii, Finn, or Juniata*

-Or any of my other plot bunnies

20) I may not wander around Hellsing asking people what the plural of paradox is.

21) No, "They" are _not_ coming to take me away

22) If I have a question about weather or not I'm allowed to do something, I should just assume Walter would say no.

23) I may not capture and torture FREAKS with "Two dimensional representations of three dimensional figures," they only hurt _my _head

24) I may not shoot FREAKS with a paintball gun and try to cackle like Alucard

-On second thought, I may not touch paintball guns for any reason what so ever

25) I may not video tape Alucard and the Major fighting and put it on YouTube

-No one cares about how it would be a "major hit"

-My pun wasn't funny

26) I will _**NEVER**_ ask Integra just who died to make her boss

-Yes, everyone noticed that I changed the phrase

27) It is horrible to ask Integra or Seras how her parents are doing

28) Grammar is a wonderful thing, but repeatedly saying "Grammar saves lives! For example, 'Let's eat Grandma!' versus 'Let's eat, Grandma!' is pointless because no one can see the comma

-And people get irritated when I write it on important paperwork

-And unimportant paper work

-And scratch paper

29) I may not hide Integra's alcohol

-Under no circumstances am I _ever_ to drink said alcohol

30) Umm… is not a word, and will not count in any of my school essays

32) I may not skip random numbers because I think they aren't "pretty enough"

33) I may _**NEVER**_ touch Alucard's guns

-Or Seras's

-Or Integra's

-Or the soldiers

-Or Rip's

-Or anyone at Millennium's

34) On second thought, I may not touch any fire arms save my own

-Water guns included

35) Every piece of lawn equipment is strictly off limits

36) You have no proof Keanu is gay

-The song doesn't count

-No, he's not too hot to be strait

-The S&C theory doesn't matter

37) I may not follow Integra around and say "I'm a bitch!" every time she opens her mouth to speak

38) Never again am I allowed in a Round Table conference

39) I am no longer in America, so I can not demand to see the Constitution if I think some thing is unfair.

-I can't even do that in America

-We don't celebrate Fourth of July

-Or Thanksgiving*

40) Alucard's theme song is not Land of the Dead

-Nor is When You're Evil

-No one cares how well I think they suit him

41) I will not grab Pip's braid and pretend that I am a baby elephant and he is my mother

42) Forty two is _not _the answer to everything

43) I may not write fanfiction because at the moment I don't know how the story ends

44) I may not randomly burst out into the "Oscar Mayer bologna song"

-No one cares if it's my theme song

45) I may not black mail Integra

46) Voltaire is not Alucard's favorite band

47) Shoe polish is not edible.

48) I may not skip around singing "I got Dracula nah-nah-nah-nah-na-na!" because while it is true that Alucard is Dracula, I don't own him, Integra does.

-I may not skip around singing "Teggie's got Dracula nah-nah-nah-nah-na-na!"

49) I may not publish, and sell this list of rules for a quick buck.

50) I am unable to count to the number fifty because I continually skip the number 31

-I may not laugh at people who looked back to check

51) For the sake of the sanity of everyone at Hellsing, I, under no circumstances, am _never_ to break all of these rules in one day

*For some reason my Word Processor had a problem with the word Thanksgiving. I think David's British

*Ariku-chan is my muse. You will meet him soon =3 I love him so much. =3

*Genii, Finn, and Juniata are the plot bunnies responsible for "Partners?" "The Baby Hatters" and "Surprises," respectively. Genii is allergic to fire, Finn is Genii's boyfriend, and Juniata is the most popular.

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**Yes, you guessed right. All of this stuff is going to happen in my story. HAVE FUN! I NOW HAVE A SEMI-PLAN!!! If I stole your Hellsing rule please note I didn't mean to, and it's probably just a coincidence. As always REVIEW!!!!!**


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